From the sublime moment of penetration to the intense pleasure of orgasm, good sex is one of the greatest aspects of being human. Being naked together is a timeless joy, and in the joining together of man and woman, both can find healing and a celebration of being alive. Of course it's not always that wonderful, but even just plain good sex can be a whole lot of fun.
Yin and Yang.
Good sex comes in yin and yang aspects. First there is passionate, fiery, yang-style fucking, which is full of moaning and thrusting and (usually male) orgasm. This style has much to offer in tems of relieving stress, as living in our overly orderly society sometimes necessitates a therapeutic loss of control. Many older instincts, especially the need to express power, can find a harmless and extremely fun expression through yang-style sex. Perhaps these instincts explain why yang sex is the favorite of aggressive men, and the volume of aggressive men in our society may explain why yang sex, and the minority of women who prefer it, seem to be so culturally sought-after. One problem with yang sex is that the sexual journey tends to be ignored in favor of the destination; foreplay is seen as a means to penetration, and intercourse is seen as a means to orgasm. The subtler pleasures and possibilities of sex, whether they be physical, emotional or spiritual, are therefore not always enjoyed. A more significant problem is that yang sex can accelerate too quickly for women, who respond more slowly than men, and the man may be finished before she begins. On the plus side, yang sex is great for relieving tension and stress, it's fast enough for lovers under time constraints, and it expresses primal passions that are psychologically unhealthy when repressed.
Yin sex is slow and relaxed and sensual, full of kisses and caresses and soft sighs of pleasure. While yang sex builds quickly towards an exhilarating climax, yin sex takes time to slowly enjoy every touch of the lover's body, with no future goal in mind. When yin is done well a sort of hypnosis sets in, a form of meditation, and every kiss and touch reveals its hidden depth and its full potential. Yin is as much sensual as sexual, and kissing and touching can go on for a long time before penetration and equally long thereafter. The slow pace encourages experimentation and discovery of new pleasures. Yin sex is beloved by many women, who enjoy the slow seduction and full-body tingling that good yin sex can bring. A man who is patient and mindful enough to engage in good yin sex will certainly be appreciated by the woman, and amazed by the new pleasures he discovers with her.
Generally men prefer yang and women prefer yin, but really good lovers have appreciation and skill for both. When a man learns to be yin, he learns to please a woman on her terms, and he also learns to relax and spread arousal throughout his whole body, thus making his orgasm more voluntary. When a woman learns to be yang, she is able to greatly excite a man, and she also learns to let go and concentrate arousal between her legs, thus making her orgasm more voluntary. The best sex builds from yin to yang, combining sensuality and passion, relaxation and excitement... and when both lovers are up for all of the above, a fantastic sex life is all but inevitable. A lot can be gained by meeting one's lover halfway.
In a less philosophical sense, there are plenty of ways to meet one's lover. The following set of twenty-eight positions can be done in sequence, but it should go without saying that you're better off trusting your intuition. Have fun trying new positions, exploring the variations, and taking time to really enjoy your favorites. Pause your mouse over a photo for more detailed techniques and notes.
Perhaps the best part about sex is the sharing of orgasms. There's nothing like seeing your lover all naked and disheveled, lost in a tidal wave of pleasure... unless it's feeling your own body explode with passion as your lover takes you over the edge. Orgasm is as fun as it gets... and for most men, orgasm is easy enough to reach, sometimes a little too easy. For women, the pleasure tends to last longer, though orgasm can be more elusive and difficult to reach. The challenge for both lovers is to reverse these natural tendencies, so the woman can come more and more often, and the man can have sex without coming for a long time. The goal is to prolong his pleasure and intensify hers, so that both lovers can experience long-lasting and powerful pleasure, the ideal combination of yin and yang. The following box offers tips on voluntary orgasm for both women and men.
- Play Before. Both lovers should take their time with erotic play, making sure the woman is passionately aroused before sex begins. Kissing and touching will do a lot of good here, and needless to say, so will his mouth on her pussy.|
- Do Kegels. Pelvic floor contractions will train the vulva to accept more blood and thus become more sensitive, making orgasm both more intense and more likely. Hard kegels are also a good way to trigger orgasm when it's close.
- Exercise. Cardiovascular workouts will help blood flow and increase general energy levels, and make the body more comfortable with the heart-pounding, muscle-tensing, physically intense state of orgasm. In general, any step toward better health is a step toward a more fulfilling sex life.
- Breathe well to give your body a good supply of oxygen. If you know the Ujjayi breath from yoga, give that a try. To bring on a stubborn orgasm, try intensifying your breathing patterns as if you're exercising hard.
- Connect mind and body. In general, engage your sensations with as much of your attention as possible. Planning or analyzing other things while you have sex is really unneccessary, and if you feel the need to worry about performance or desirability, just ignore it. If you'd like a meditation to connect your mind with your sexuality, lie on your back and place one hand on your forehead, the other on your yoni, and contemplate building the link between them.
- Love yourself. If you haven't already, realize that you are a beautiful, sensual, sexy woman who deserves the utmost of pleasure. Know your needs and make them known, since they are no more and no less important than your partner's.
- Love your partner. Many women are conditioned to be defensive and suspicious of men, and this certainly inhibits relaxation and release. Know that your partner means well and wants you to feel great, and if he doesn't, go find someone better.
- Love sex. Sex is a wonderful gift from whatever God you believe in, and there is nothing sinful or slutty about enjoying it to the fullest. Don't be afraid to cut loose in the bedroom: it's one place where subdued behaviour really isn't necessary.
- Have fun. Sex is play, not work, and you shouldn't take chasing orgasm too seriously. When you don't come, enjoy it to the fullest.
- Relax. Trying to fight off an orgasm just creates tension, and tension brings on orgasm. Stay calm and collected, and always breathe deeply and regularly through your nose; your breathing is key. When intensity arises, calmly observe rather than getting caught up, or better yet, calmly observe as you get caught up, and watch how your intensity passes on to her.
- Know thyself. Learn to recognize the signs of approaching orgasm, perhaps by observing yourself as you masturbate. When you sense orgasm approaching, take a few deep breaths, slow down, or if you have to, pull out and give her your hand or mouth.
- Wear a condom. This is a simple way to desensitize the penis; slip one on before penetration or manual stimulation.
- Have an empty bladder. Holding back urine creates tension in the pelvic floor muscles, and that tension will make you more orgasmic. It's best to visit the washroom inconspicuously before things get started.
- Bear down. Conversely, the muscles that force out urine create relaxation in the pelvic floor mucles, and that will make you less orgasmic.
- Massage the prostate. The prostate gland is where seminal fluid and sperm mix in preparation for ejaculation. The longer sex goes on, the fuller the prostate gets, and the greater the pressure to ejaculate becomes. You can relieve some pressure by placing two fingers on your perineum, just under your anus, and pressing inward and upward to massage. For an extra treat, teach your partner this massage and have her combine it with fellatio.
- Think it through. According to Herb Goldberg, premature ejaculation can be caused when your body and mind want to get sex over with as quickly as possible. It might seem like a silly question, but ask yourself if there's something about a particular partner, setting or act that you're not comfortable with. Impotence might also be your body's way to say that you're not physically and/or psychologically in a good state for whatever you're trying to do.
- Be cool. If you're like a virgin who's incredibly excited to be having sex, it's probably not going to last very long. If you look at sex like it's less of a big deal, you'll be less anxious, more relaxed, and able to last longer. If you're really anxious to please her, try to focus more on your own pleasure in order to relax.
- Meditate. If you're sensitive to subtle energy, you can take a cue from Tantra and learn to draw it upward from the genitals and spread it through the body. This is easiest to do when the body is completely relaxed, so you may wish to learn by having her massage or fellate your penis, or by using a vibrator on yourself, while you relax and focus on areas other than your loins where you'd like the energy to go. Yoga, Tai Chi and meditation are great places to start with energy, and the Microcosmic Orbit meditation described later is particularly relevant. If you know your yoga and you'd like to work on a chakra block, assume a yoga pose that targets that chakra and have your lover stimulate you; this will get a lot of energy flowing and tend to loosen the block.
- Do Kegels. Strengthening the front pelvic floor muscles will prolong and intensify your orgasms, and speed up your recovery after orgasm. Strengthening the rear PC muscles will allow you to massage the prostate with no hands, and in a more tantric sense, help you fire energy upwards along the spine. Kegels also make you more aware of your pelvic floor, where relaxation is absolutely key. I'd suggest checking in once in a while during day-to-day life to make sure your pelvic floor is relaxed; if it's not, relax it and endeavor to keep it that way.
- Change position. Having the woman on top will allow you to relax completely, and be fun for her as well. Another position that can quickly raise sexual energy is the yogic cobra pose, wherein you arch your back, tilt your head back, and look upward.
- Have fun. Sex is play, not work, and you shouldn't take avoiding orgasm too seriously. When you do come, enjoy it to the fullest.
For an intimate couple, cuddling naked and talking is a wonderful way to end a lovemaking session, and a whole lot of fun and healthy on its own. Ideally you'll have all day to spend in bed, talking, touching, and making love... and if not, you can go about your day or night refreshed, relaxed, and inspired by some decent or maybe amazing sex. Enjoy.